LOVE CULT

-- THINGaMAJIG --

It's a thing of the past.

You. Me. The places we went to. The memories shared.

Everything.

All a thing of the past.

Now just a faded memory.

Something to think about when it rains.

It's a nice feeling. The realization of it all.

That it's over. Closed and healed. Done with.

I couldn't be any happier.

*so bring it on 2008! =)*

   

Birthday Melodrama

I woke up at 1am listening to the pitter-patter of the rain. It was raining again. I was aware of the time but forgot the fact that it was my birthday. Silly, I know. Not until the first greeting came. It was from Marvin. Me kaluha. Then from Trinky. Then a phone call. Then from Christian. Then I lost track. Being too engrossed in the book I was reading.

It had always been like that for me. Ever since I could remember. I stay up all night waiting for who gets to greet me first. Who kept track and actually remembered. Its nothing but futile exercise. But then its a logic that made strange sense. The fact that if someone means something to you, you stay up waiting for midnight to strike so that you could be the first one to make them smile with your 'Happy Birthday' greeting. Insultingly simple. Or sick, melodramatic thinking?

"Love is what makes you smile when your tired." 

A quote I received today. That touched my heart. I had my justifiable reasons to. And the point did indeed hit home. I should know. About the being tired part. I'm an expert on that department. Ive been dragging myself through reality for months now. Dog tired from having to face life day after day. Steady apprehensions. Soul tearing emotions. Life out of balance.

Oookkay.. too melodramatic now. Its supposed to be my birthday. Darn.

my MISSED list

Excuse me. Where are my endorphins?

Because lately..

I feel like hell.

I miss lifes simple pleasures. I miss laughing until tears appear.  I miss bonding with my family. I miss my brother. Miss NOT being able to rummage through his stuff owing to the fact that he'll yell at me when he finds out. I miss my sister. I miss her lovelife optimism. I miss my bestfriend. Miss our crazy chatter bordering on  insanity. I miss friends who listen. I miss friends who have the time to spare. And I miss friends who actually care. I miss being able to say Im fine sincerely when someone asks how Im doing. I miss NOT feeling bad about life. I miss NOT saying "Some people have all the luck". I miss my overachiever self. I miss being busy. I also miss hearing the clock lullabying me to sleep rather than cry myself to sleep. I miss my happy dreams compared to these ones Ive been having lately. I miss belonging to someone. I miss NOT feeling alienated when someone mentions school. I miss NOT being able to relate to sad hopeless songs and TV shows. I miss NOT watching funny sitcoms to cheer me up but rather because they're funny. I miss NOT feeling frustrated and angry at everything. And at someone. I miss NOT going paranoid over someone. I miss NOT feeling so forlorn. I miss being able to sleep right away rather than having a million thoughts debate first in my mind. I miss feeling happy and excited upon going to work. I miss incentives and kudos. I miss not having to avoid some people. I miss receiving personal text from my friends just to say 'Hi' rather than receiving these forwarded msgs sent by my unlitxt friends -- which just fill up my phone inbox. I miss NOT feeling imperfect. I miss feeling blessed. I miss believing in compliments.I miss writing happy blogs. I super miss the inspiration. I miss my old life.

E R G O . . .

I miss NOT feeling something is amiss.

Run with Horses

Freedom.
Being free.
The freewill to do whatever one wants to do.
Keeping ones options open.
But having the good judgement to choose the right one.
Rather than just flipping a coin.

Why is he so special?
The discernment of logic.
How can he be not?
The pelt of thy heart.
But all these, minutiae.

Full of insight, but unreasoning.
Unbound, yet restricted.
Real, but all pretended.
Optimistic, yet still morose.

Now dont you fret my bon ami
Im not being sinister and hostile.
Just for once in my life
I want to run with horses.
Be fast enough to compete.
No longer reined in.
Suppressed and pent-up.

There is no need to state in detail.
Strip layers to core.
Whats there is there, acknowledged or not.

Although this unintended but somehow deliberate scheme.
Has left me all bitter and bruised.
All serenity has gone.
Plainly relinquished.
Growing lenient in the queue.

In all this gloominess.
Its no longer something asked.
Or considered questionable.
This here is intended to be confusing.
For reasons I'd rather not disclose.

a DYiNG game

you can tell when the world is conspiring against you. you just can tell. everything just don't work out the way they should. the way things are meant to be. something comes up that throws you into a curve. and you end up feeling helpless. and angry. at everything. and your itching to do something. something crazy. like say, get high over something illegal. crash and burn. or you want to do something irresponsible. like say, miss out on work. or something stupid. like say, stay out all night doing who knows what. or something damaging. like say, vent out on somebody to whom your wounding words would surely stick. surely hit a nerve. any short lived madness would do. break glass. throw things. make believe your immune to gravity. punch somebody. be violent. unquestionably, any will do. sure enough. any meantime madness. and you cant even take an advice. you're that far off. come to think of it, how do you hold inside the fury that one feels? the loss of self-control. the destructive rage verging on madness. it is a dying game.

"Its just when you love someone that you sink deeper beyond reason, where reasons are not answers but uncertain emotions, where the right time is always too late.. but still perfect!"

Haiz.. how true indeed. Deeper beyond reason?? True.. Crazy how everything else just fades away. Doesnt mean as much as it did before. No matter how much people try to tell you otherwise.. you try to reason out. You try to find loopholes in their reasoning. You tell yourself.. its just because they dont know him the way I know him. But then again.. HOW indeed do u know him?? Through those special moments that only the two of you shared? Through those special conversations that only the two of you know about? Through those extra gestures that you know.. you just know.. there is something. But then that little voice in your head.. that comes out only at the wee hours of dawn.. give you something to think about. That little voice that merely lacks confidence in what you think your heart is sure about. That challenges your logic altogether. Its bad enough that people have been giving you their apprehensions.. now you have to deal with yours as well?! And it sucks because you want to be sure.. you want to be so sure that you know your right.. they are wrong.. he is true.. what we have is true.. there is something.. he is being honest.. and that things will be alright. But you know that thats just wishful thinking.. and your just being stupid.. the way love makes one stupid. And you decide to just back off a little.. give yourself some space to reprocess these uncertain emotions.. back off to save room for yourself.. back off and just hope that these uncertain emotions.. and the feeling itself.. would just fade away. But then just when you assumed things would be better.. HE starts asking questions.. the same questions that you've been asking yourself.. the very same questions that you've been losing sleep over (hehehe! dont mind me).. and you project the same facade you've been conveying to your friends.. but you dont give him any confirmations.. letting him hang the way you've been hanging for the past few months.. and its one unhealthy relationship.. but you cant blame yourself.. because its not like your out deriving happiness out of this whole crappy situation.. and when you really think about it.. which happens a lot now these days (you frustratingly realize.. and come to terms with!).. all this absurdity.. all this ridiculousness.. this insanity.. this unreasonableness.. this senselessness! (well.. you get the idea.. LOL) would all come to an end.. if only you would do something about it. But your stupid pride wouldnt allow it.. because you just dont want to be the one to act on it. Why should you be the one? Hehehe.. see how illogical things are?! (Sheesh.. what have I gotten myself into! Tsktsktsk..)

Ad Interim Glee

Am happy..                  
Havent been for quite sometime..
I know..       
What a revelation..         
I like the feeling..      
Missed the feeling   
Come to think of it..      
Hehehe..         
Dont know why..       
I mean.. after that hellish shift..   
Thought id be bummed out..   
But no..      
Here I am..    
Happy..   
Hmm.. 
Maybe its just..   
I dont know..   
Sucks!   
Yup..   
Everything revolves around him..   
CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!   
Im happy bec. of him..   
DARN!   
Just when I thought.. 
I was over him..   
Well.. was almost there..   
Almost..   
CURSE HIM!   
Why did he have to say that..   
Few words were all it took..   
"Hey Love..    
Missed You..      
Where have you been hiding these days?"   
ARGH!   
Been hiding from you.. 
You idiot!   
Sheesh.. soo dense..!!!   
Tsktsktsk..   
Here I go again.. 

CRY and SMILE

Left hanging without an explanation
more insulting than hurting
or so i say
Lost you because of my stupid pride
avoided you for no valid reason
and worse of all
kept you from knowing
now im mad at myself
most especially
seeing you with another girl
this is kinda crazy!

cant help but ask
out of all the people in the world
why did i meet you?
a fortunate accident
thats what I used to say
now a different story
a million light years
away
different
now have to believe
and cross my fingers
that theres someone
better
out there for me
hopelessly hope

walking out of the picture now
although pardon me
if i cant tell myself
to stop loving you
completely
dont worry though
one day
i'll move on
when my heart has finally
moved on
in the true sense of the word
as of the moment though
i'll crawl to the darkest corner
of the room
reflect on how
too damned tired
i really am
of feeling hurt
find my own solace
and want so badly
to be able to
distance myself
so to say
want to cry it out
just to subside the feeling
but somehow
the tears never come
anymore
hey! what did you to me?!

argh! i dont want to be angry
at you
i want to just
understand
it all
why you had to do
what you had to do
dont want to base everything
on you
hmm..
c'mon brain!
make it all sink in:
the guy i love
loves another
now what could be more painful than that?
and funny
i still find it in me
to smile
its a silly thing
when one falls in love
its a silly thing.

Musings of one that is brokenhearted.

 

A Disgrace to the Human Race

Truth is.. boys can be so dumb.
Rocket science and Trigonometry? No problem..
Anastomoses in pancreatoduodenectomy.. no sweat!
Even get a 1.0 in anatomic pathology and such subjects..
Sure they can be smart enough to figure out such stuff..
But they can be amazing dimwits (or just blatantly dense?!)
In grasping the idea and just getting the hint
That someone likes them.. a whole lot!
Its not that they dont care..
I mean you're positive that they do..
Just that they are disputing the need..
To probably go there.
Well.. honestly you dont wanna go there.
Just a verbal confirmation (or acknowledgement maybe?)
Would be nice.
But no.. instead..
They want the girl to do the talking.
Well.. how unfair is that!
Whatever happened to the good old fairy tale stories
Which we all grew up to..
About how Prince Charming doing the confessing..
And NOT the other way around.
Prince Philip and Prince Derek just to name some..
Of the prince's which everyone looks up to..
Hmm.. even the frog prince turned out to be a prince..
After all.
Well come to think of it..
Its not a question of intelligence..
But rather..
a question of courage!
HAH! I just arrived in another conclusion..
Boys are not only dumb..
They can also be..
Of cosmic proportions..
cowards and scaredycats!


*hahaha.. i'm just filing a complaint here.
And i speak in behalf
Of the women's rights movement.
And for the record..
There will be no white flag above my door!*

Freudian Slip

Lapsus linguae. It happens too often to me. Much too often for the average person. Some trivial and some not so trivial. In my senseless babble, I consistently manage one or two. Don't know why. An honest mistake on my part. An innocent mistake. But still a mistake. Doesnt make it any less painful for you. Think before speaking, I really should keep that in mind. Or better yet, not speak at all. The less talk, the less error. Less is more, they say. But isnt silence confused as well?! Hmm... this is tough. Tougher than I anticipated. I really am sorry, you know. Or I hope you do know. Do you? If you dont, then you dont know me after all. Thirteen years all down the drain. But it shouldnt be like that. Just because of that single talk that we had. How many talks have we had all in all? Too many. Too many, if you think about it. And  will it all go to waste? I know at times I dont make any sense, I talk in circles, and too many times you end up puzzled and confused. Well, that makes both of us. But dont accuse me though of having misled you. It would be a bit unfair to me. Dont you think? See, I told you you should not have gone there. (Sorry, couldnt resist to tell you "I told you so". Its not too often I get to use that. Its usually you telling me that.) Its uncharted territory. A thing like this always end up quite the cliche everyone expects. But now that the momentum is gone, what happens next? Dont read more into my silence though. It means nothing. Just that. Simply silence. Maybe Im unconsciously trying to avoid anymore slip of the tongue. Hmm... really should address this to you, instead of blogging this. Its getting too freakishly Dougie Houser for me. Hehe...